Poor Laurence Fox, whom some regard as the Basil Brush of right-wing British politics – fond of posing in front of TV cameras and laughing incessantly at his own 70s-style humour – has clearly been traumatised by his humiliation in the London elections, where he was massively overshadowed by, among others, the Animal Welfare Party. It seems that Londoners who yearn to hug a fox are much keener on the lower case type than the ones with capital letters.

So badly did Laurence perform that some people have already suggested that he change his preferred handle of ‘Lozza’ to ‘Looza’. It’s only one letter change, and so much more descriptive. And appropriate, granted that he stood purely under his own name, and so cannot pretend that it was ‘The Reclaim Party’ that put off punters in the polling booth. He put himself out there as Laurence Fox and he lost as Laurence Fox.

The spurned candidate has lashed out with a spluttering tweet pointing out that Sadiq Khan is (this will shock everyone, we know) a Muslim. And so, he says, are another eight English mayors. And his point is? Well, exploring the canyons of this man’s mind is probably a job best left to Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote, but we feel confident that Looza is reaching out to ‘the fash’ with a message calculated to enrage them. ‘The bastards,’ mister bigoted tweet-reader will be saying, ‘Coming over here, nicking our mayoral chains and leaving the robes smelling of curry…’

Perhaps misled by his own surname, Fox imagined that he was being cunning. He desperately wanted to get the response from sane people that he was being racist. And he succeeded, giving his over-excited fanboys the opportunity to shout back ‘Muslims ain’t a race, you lefty snowflakes. So how can it be racist, eh? Got you there!’

Where the plan starts to break down – from Professor of Cunning at Sly College Oxford level to something more like Temporary Lecturer in Window-licking at Concreton Tech – is that his claque has further chimed in with ‘So, telling the TRUTH is now “racist” in woke Britain is it?’ Unfortunately for lazy Loz, he didn’t do his homework, so when the Reclaimistas claim that his tweet is truthful, it doesn’t really deserve that label even if you strap the qualifier ‘relatively’ to it.

You see, as far as we know, four of the eight ceremonial mayors that he points the finger at aren’t Muslims at all. Oops!

The newly re-elected Mayor of London, Sadiq Khan, is indeed a Muslim. He’s never made any secret of it, and why should he? He got the job by (a) not being so stupid that he failed to fill in his nomination form correctly – unlike a certain Fox we could mention – and (b) receiving more votes than any other candidate. But we guess democracy is something The Looz is a touch disenchanted with right now.

The Lord Mayor of Birmingham, Chaman Lal, is actually a Sikh, not a Muslim. But as we can all guess that what Fox really means when he types ‘Muslim’ is ‘a bit brownish’, he probably doesn’t care that there’s a difference. It’s a purely ceremonial post which tends to alternate between Con, Lab and LibDem. He’ll leave office in about a fortnight, and the next man or woman in line will take up the post for the next 12 months.

Birmingham Lord Mayor Chaman Lal. You’d think the rather unmissable turban would be taken as a clue, by any intelligent person, that the man is a Sikh rather than a Muslim. But the difference seems to have Laurence… er… foxed.

Lord Mayor of Leeds is also ceremonial. We suppose that if you are of limited intelligence (or just paranoid) you might assume that the ‘Al’ in the name of the incumbent, Al Garthwaite, could sound suspiciously Arabic, but Fox can relax – this mayor is white. Though considering the contempt in which he seems to hold women, he’ll probably tense up again when he finds out that the ‘Al’ is short not for Alan or Algernon (we feel convinced that he will know one of those) but Alison.

Parwaiz Akhtar, Mayor of Blackburn with Darwen Borough Council (do keep up, Mr Brush) is definitely a Muslim, though he did send out a nice ‘Happy Easter’ video message to his townsfolk. In any case, don’t panic. This one-year appointment is organised a long way in advance, so we already know that there will be a white Mayor taking over in a couple of weeks’ time. Though she is (dammit!) female. Perhaps Basil can greet her to office with one of his charming ‘Who would want to shag that?’ quips. Arf arf arf!

Lord Mayor of Sheffield is another of those ceremonial posts. That his name is Colin Ross and that his Yorkshire roots go back centuries doesn’t guarantee that he’s not a Muslim, but we suspect that you’re chasing a red herring here, Looza. You’ll just have to hate on him for being a LibDem. Or a geologist. Whichever floats your boat.

The Lord Mayor of Oxford, Lubna Arshad, is self-described as the “first woman of colour” to hold the ceremonial post. And she’s a Muslim. That’s kind of a trifecta for you, isn’t it, Loz? But like most of the mayors that you’re having a tizz about, she’ll be replaced later this month, so chill out a bit and cross your fingers about the next one.

We feel pretty confident that the ceremonial Mayor of Luton, Mohammed Yaqub Hanif, is a Muslim. It would, we suggest, be an odd name for an Irish Catholic – though one never knows. He, too, leaves office later this month. You could perhaps breathe in and out of a paper bag while you wait for all of these terrible people to make way for someone more to your tastes, Laurence.

Zahid Chauhan, the one-year Mayor of Oldham, is a Muslim. He’s also honorary warden of Oldham Parish Church and eagerly accepted an invitation to perform the official opening of the Victory Christian International Ministries new church premises a couple of weeks into his tenure as Mayor. He seems to have a very open and inclusive mind. Unlike some people we could mention.

Zahid Chauhan, Mayor of Oldham. A Muslim but also a warden of Oldham Parish Church – the venue where he chose to be sworn in as Mayor, as seen here.

The ceremonial Mayor of Rochdale is the handsomely turned-out, be-robed and be-chained chap pictured below – Conservative councillor Mike Holly. We have absolutely no idea what his religious persuasion is, but if Laurence Fox is quite sure that he’s a Muslim, then we have no doubt that he will get back to us with some evidence.

And the ceremonial Mayor of Rochdale is this chap – Conservative councillor Mike Holly

Fox has just announced (though he claims to have made the decision “earlier this year”) that he is moving out of London, stating that Sadiq Khan has “turned this once great city into a violent ghetto”. All rather odd, that, because it’s only a few weeks since he attempted to sign up as a candidate for Mayor of Ghettoland (and was prevented only by his own ineptitude at filing nomination papers).

“I look forward to spending my days in what remains of this green and pleasant land from July,” he sighs, theatrically. “I’d rather spend the rest of my days with people I have something in common with.” Granted his capacity for stumbling into the brown stuff, we suppose we’ll have to think of it as his pied-à-turd.

That election result seems to have left the cracked actor in a hallucinatory fever, so we trust that this leafy out-of-London new home is situated in an area where he can get the rest and other medical support that he apparently needs. Yes, do retreat to the sticks, put your feet up and slap a wet flannel on your forehead, Looza. You’ll feel better in a week or two.

Inshallah…